As You Wish

You know what's awful? So many times, I find myself being tempted (and giving into the temptation) to teach my kids things that really aren't appropriate. For example, last Halloween I couldn't help teaching my kids the rhyme that had such an impact on my childhood: Trick or treat? Smell my feet. Give me something good to eat... and you all know how it ends. But I just couldn't help myself. I knew my kids would love it, and they did not disappoint. I wondered at my discretion afterward, but the reward was so great....And then several months ago, as my kids engaged in constant boys-vs.-girls battles, I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth: Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider! Girls go to Mars--to get more candy bars! Oh, the vindication! But really?! As mothers we often worry about what naughty things our kids might pick up from other little rascals, but at the rate I'm going, kids won't be allowed to visit our home for fear of what they might learn from me. I hit an all time low recently when I taught Camp the words to I Like Big Butts (not all of them, mind you--yikes!) Camp was watching Bill Nye the Science Guy on which they had some kind of parody of that song, and I just couldn't resist educating him on its origin. Why did Bill Nye of all shows have to choose that song to parody, anyway? It's not like they don't know it's going to be a throw back to any moms in the room who will then surely be tempted to start reminiscing with their children. Ahhh!
But anyway, the point is--I'm getting out of control. I'm thirty-one years old. This shouldn't still be an issue. At least I didn't teach Camp to ask someone to pull his finger. He learned that on the bus. I just explained it later. So I'm not beyond hope.
Other than that....
Brian completed his second marathon a couple weekends ago--this time up in Newport. Two years ago, I couldn't get him to run the Rhody 5K with me and now he's doing marathons. Crazy.
Janey Mac Darling graduated from her first year of preschool on Thursday--hopefully not the greatest of the achievements of her life--but seriously fun all the same. She sang and clapped and looked adorable the whole time. And she got straight A's on her report card--mostly A+'s even. What can I say? The girl knows how to write her name and draw circles. But that's not all! As of last Saturday, Janey is officially riding her bike sans training wheels. I came home from my stake meetings to her cruising down the road all padded up with a big, giant smile on her face. And oh, man! It took everything in me to not just jump out of the car and eat her!
And Dan got her first big-girl bike with streamers and all that, and she's just as delighted to be riding for the first time with training wheels. It's so fun to helmet each of my kids and send them out the door to go around the circle by themselves. And Danin has said some funny things lately. The other day she came up to me and asked, "Mom, do you know where the heck is Janey?" And then she added, "Mmmm...I smell something delicious!" And when I noticed her picking her nose recently and asked her what she was doing, she replied, "Just looking for the treasure." Well then, by all means...
And Camp? Sigh.....Well, the battle continues... but I'm not going down without a fight--or with a fight, rather. I WILL figure this out. I think it is getting better--even if it is just my losing control that is happening less often. That's the biggest part, really. But I've had lots of wonderful moments lately with Camp, too. We went for a picnic lunch the other day, and while at the park, I assisted Camp in his first running catch completion. (What would they call that? I threw him the football while he was running, and he caught it...hmm...anyway...) And he was thrilled and insisted I take a picture of the victor. And last Friday I got to attend his end-of-the year field trip to Sand Land Adventures where we got to enjoy a dune buggy ride all over the dunes. He loved it and he was excited to have me there, which sure made me feel good. Maybe I haven't screwed everything up quite yet. And his end-of-the year program wasn't any less wonderful. You know that little "Fingerprints" poem kids always bring home during their first years of school? Well, his class sang its equivalent--with actions and everything--"remember that you were once small like me"...and I was left feeling sufficiently humble and grateful to have my boy. And tonight was a special night for Camp and me, too. We and the girls went over to the tennis courts after dinner and then we went home and dragged pillows and blankets into the family room to watch The Princess Bride. I thought of it recently and just knew Camp would love it. And you know that feeling you get when your kids are just about to run out to see the booty on Christmas morning? Well, I got to experience that feeling all over again throughout practically the entire movie. Camp was loving it so much, he couldn't even keep seated. Toward the end, my heart even got caught up in my throat as I watched Camp watch the last of the sword-fighting scenes. He AB-solutely loved it. As the credits rolled and the music played, he ran to his room for his carrot bats to challenge me to a duel. So fun...
So that's it. Mostly. There will be more news later.
We're headed to Vegas next Wednesday for a dose of some much-needed vitamin D. And we're driving this time. Wish us luck.

Religious Education

I've had a good day today. We were on time for church today even with me having to make a dish for the linger longer ( I made vegetable bow tie pasta), and finish up the Relief Society newsletter. One of the fun things about living in a tourist town is that we get a huge influx of visitors on holiday weekends. The visitors today literally doubled the size of our congregation. And we had all planned ahead so as to be able to feed them all at our linger longer. I love visitors. My primary class of five grew to twenty-one--and they were all really well behaved. Our lesson was on Moses receiving the ten commandments, so I felt it appropriate to end our lesson with an outdoor game of Simon Says. Loose tie-in, I realize. But still...
Speaking of my class--a couple weeks ago, our lesson was about Joseph and Potiphar's wife. We discussed how Joseph set a good example for us by fleeing a bad situation. I asked my kids if any of them could remember a time when they were in a bad situation where they had the feeling they should leave. Samantha quickly raised her hand and shared with us a time when she was with a friend who wanted to kill a caterpillar. Samantha told how she shouted, "No! Don't do it!" and then ran quickly away. Then she added, "Actually, I galloped away because we were playing the horse game." Oh, man. I love that girl. Let's just hope killing caterpillars is the worst temptation she'll have to face.
And I wore pantie liners in my shirt again--cute lime green shirt, but we all know what happens to a cute lime green shirt when it gets wet. It turns dark green. No good. So I wore pantie liners and a navy blue cardigan. You know what color navy blue turns when it gets wet? Navy Blue.
O.K. For anyone who's interested, I'm willing to let you in on the business opportunity of a lifetime. I have the most amazing idea. I'm in the process of designing armpit liners. They will be skin colored and will be for the purpose of preventing sweat rings when someone is perspiring. Brilliant, right? I mean, if we have diapers for old people, and medication for over-active bladders, and girdles to hold in our bulges, the world is definitely ready for some legitimate confidence protection. The pantie liners just aren't cutting it. They are made for panties, after all. So I'm working on my prototype. Brian has suggested using mole-skin. He's so smart. But anyway...I'm in need of a business partner who would be good at the whole advertising/patent part of it all. I'm thinking we'll start by calling all the deodorant and adult diaper companies--maybe even some sports product companies--to pitch the idea and then offer to sell them the patent. What do you think? I figure that none of you can try to steal my idea because this is being eternally recorded on the world wide web. It will be easy to prove who thought of it first. So...anyone specializing in marketing out there? I'll be willing to split the millions with you 70/30 or maybe even 60/40 if you're really good. So let me know.

Other than that...I read an article recently which encouraged parents to teach their children to value and respect other religions. I think that's really important, so tonight we're watching Nacho Libre. Nachoooooooooo!!!!

Flat Chested

Last weekend, the Lintons treated Brian and me to an overnighter in Portland. We went to the temple (the purpose of our trip), out to eat, enjoyed a handful of Sees Chocolates (Brian likes the vanilla and maple creams and the caramel squares and I like all the ones with nuts and caramel and the California Brittle), went to Jamba Juice and topped all the fun off with a trip to IKEA. Up till now, I haven't been a huge IKEA fan (although I've gotta say that the organizational stuff totally excites me) but this time around, I saw like a hundred things that I want. My birthday and Christmas lists have begun...

You may be wondering why I am wearing my dress backwards in the picture below. Oh, no. I'm not. It just looks that way because I am so incredibly flat chested these days. Sad, I know.

Happy Mothers' Day

Aunt Flo

You know what? I've come to realize that PMS totally turns me into a crazy person. And I don't know if it has just gotten tons worse as I've gotten older or if it is just more noticeable now because of the husband and three kids that have been added to the equation. Whatever the case, I feel sorry my kids and Brian have to live with me on or around the 24th thru the 27th of every month. You know that last little (or huge, rather) episode I had with Camp? Well, it should come as no surprise that it occurred during the afore mentioned time period. Bummer. And it's not like none of it would have happened had I not been menstruating--it's just that I likely would have been able to deal with it a whole lot better. It's like I totally lose my ability to cope every time I'm starting my cycle again. You know what I mean? It's seriously crazy. Earlier this week, I commented to Brian that he should just move out for a few days of every month while I cry myself back to normalcy. His reply surprised me: "I do." Waaaiiitttt a minute! I sat thinking for a few seconds and then realized--- Brian had spent several of the previous evenings (and even through the night) working at his shop....Oh, my heavens! Would I really be able to match all of the nights Brian has spent at the shop over the last few years with days that I've been on my period?! Crazy! Smart man, I tell you. Smart man. But anyway.... I just wish knowing what PMS does to me could stop it from happening. You know?

Anyway...( I think I now say anyway as much as I said like when I was 14)... I'll just tell you a few fun things that have happened lately and then I'll leave you with a bunch of pictures before saying good-night.
I did have such a wonderful time having some of my family here. They got to go with us to Camp's soccer game and we went to the dunes and enjoyed eating and talking together. On the Friday night that they were here, we were totally bummed because our TV wasn't working (don't ask), so we all huddled around my mom's laptop and watched 20/20 (with the beautiful Elizabeth Vargas) online. Do all of you already know that my LITTLE sister Audge is a JUNIOR at BYU and Sethy is leaving for his mission to Mexico in June? Crazy, I know. I'm afraid my kids might have run them all ragged, but I sure hope they come back soon anyway...
And remember how I told you a while back about how Camp got that nice little note in the mail from the Primary President asking him to give the scripture and prayer? And remember his response? Well, just to illustrate how different two kids from the same family can be, let me tell you how Jane reacted when she got a little note in the mail. She was absolutely delighted! She was beaming as I opened the butterfly-covered card and read the message inside: Jane, would you like to be the 'reverent child' this Sunday? Oh, my heavens. Jane was so excited. She took the card inside and told Camp, "Camp! I get to be the reverent cgnild (Jane's nasally pronunciation of child)!" And then she proceeded to color the rest of the card and cut out the figures and tape them to the hallway wall. She's darling, I tell ya. And she's always a dang good reverent child.
And it's so funny because once in a while Danin will throw a fit over something little, but she's always quick to follow it up with a reassuring, "Mom, I just was faken" and then a forced little laugh. And she's taken to pooping in our back yard. Sick! I tell her that pooping in the yard is for dogs, not for little girls--and there's a reason we don't have a dog--(lots of them, actually.) I'm sure it's just a phase, though, and as long as it's always a pretty clean break, I guess I can deal with it.
And while Camp is not busy sneaking matches to melt empty water bottles in the garage, attempting to break down his locked bedroom door, or trying to counterfeit twenty-dollar bills in order to send one to Collin, he does do things that are pretty endearing. He loves to catch and care for caterpillars and lizards, for example, and he is super good with the toddlers I babysit occasionally, and it's not at all uncommon for me to go in to check on him after he's gone to sleep at night only to find him sleeping in some kind of crazy contraption. (You can't even see him in this first picture.)















I really am lucky to be a mother.













P.S. I can't believe I never even posted anything about Easter! The kids had a great time and the outfits Becky made them are the cutest ones yet! Oh, I'm so lucky to never have to worry about Easter outfits!

Good Night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Have good dreams. And don't forget to say your prayers.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

I should tell you about all of the funny things my kids have been saying and about how I painted my front wall again--yep, the same one I had just painted, and about the wonderful visit I had with my parents and Audrey and Seth this last weekend, but I had a hard day today and that's all that is on my mind right now.

After my last miscarriage and accompanying experience, I was scared that I would never feel comfortable getting pregnant again. However, as I prayed about it, I felt comforted and the desire to try again soon returned. Since then, I've been telling Heavenly Father that I would like to get pregnant again, and have been asking him to bless me with another pregnancy when the time is right for our family. Apparently, the time is not yet right for our family, because for the first time, we have been unable to get pregnant. On one hand I am very discouraged and disappointed about not being able to get pregnant, and on the other, I am grateful that Heavenly Father will not bless me with another baby until I am ready. I think what discourages me most of all, though, is knowing that I am not ready.

Many of you know that I got pregnant only a couple months after Brian and I got married, but I lost the baby at about 13 weeks. And although I was devastated at the time, as the next couple years passed, it became obvious to me that Heavenly Father was only showing me a little mercy by keeping a baby from me for a little longer. The timing had not been right.

A couple years later, I got pregnant and had Camp. By that time, I had learned a little more and Brian and I had figured some things out and life was pretty easy. In fact, I thought the whole mothering thing was a piece of cake. I'm afraid I began to be a little over-confident--so much so that when Camp was about nine months old, we tried and got pregnant again. Well, eighteen weeks later, I miscarried for the second time. And once again, it didn't take long before I was praying to thank Heavenly Father for not allowing me to get in over my head too early.

I'm dragging this out too long. What I'm getting at is that I have learned, and feel grateful that Heavenly Father has not given me babies until He knows I am ready for them. It's just been difficult admitting to myself that I am indeed not ready yet. That means I am not a perfect mother. That means I'm having a hard enough time with three kids. That means there are a lot of things for me to work on and lots of things for me to learn. It means I need to humble myself and be willing to change. Those are hard pills to swallow. Oh, and I know. The timing could be off right now because of things other than my not being ready yet. That's true, but I just feel like my not being ready is probably the biggest part of it.

It seems that way because truthfully, mothering as been a struggle for me lately. I love and adore and enjoy my children, but recently I have really been struggling--mainly with Camp. Brian and I have had a really, really tough time figuring out how to handle and discipline him appropriately and I have reached a point of complete discouragement and desperation. And while praying and reading my scriptures has been a great source of strength and help for me (like I've mentioned before), it has become clear to me that I need to be doing a little bit more. I need to be earnestly seeking revelation. I need to spend a great deal more time on my knees just thinking and listening. I need to simplify. I need to study. I need to be patient.

I lost control of myself today, and I am embarrassed by and ashamed of the way I handled Camp. Soon after, I found myself on my bedroom floor whispering, Please forgive me! Please help me! Please help me! Please help me! I waited.... I wanted to be faithful and feel counsel come to me, but I was so desperate. I called my mom and my sister who helped me focus and start developing some goals and a plan of action. Partly I felt guilty for not just letting some answers flow into my mind, but mostly I just felt so grateful to have a mom and sister through whom Heavenly Father has guided me so many times.

I'm now writing on Wednesday. Tuesday went so much better than Monday had. No losing control. No crying on the foam pad of my sheetless bed. No feelings of complete desperation. I felt hopeful and determined to start again and devote all of my time and energy to keeping myself in control and handling my children in the way that will ultimately be the most effective and the most productive. I'm reading Parenting with Love and Logic again. Ever heard of it? I know there are probably lots of great resources out there, but this happens to be one that I have read and has really made sense to me. It's funny because as I read it I am thinking, Man, I NEVER would have thought of this on my own, but it just makes so much sense. My sister is totally a Love and Logic parent, and while she may not be a perfect parent (and she may be), she definitely has what I am looking for: control. She has control of herself and of her kids. And she doesn't have control of her kids because she is a drill sergeant and finds a way to force them to do everything she wants them to do--in fact it's just the opposite. She has control of them because she has control of herself and doesn't let the way they act govern the way she acts.

So anyway, Brian and I are going to figure this out. Wish me luck. Pray for me. Don't be alarmed if you don't see or hear from me much. I'm just busy breathing deeply and focusing all my energy on choosing my words carefully and keeping control of myself. If all goes well, we will have a much happier home and a much happier family a few months from now.

P.S. I just put Dan in her room for hitting Jane and soon after I walked away, I could hear her crying, Mom, I need to go potty! Of course. By the time I got back into her room, it was already coming out all over the carpet. Breeeeaaaattthhhheee.