Sunday, March 30, 2008

Home Sweet Home















Welp. We're finally home. We had a wonderful time in Vegas, but it is good to be home. I'm so grateful to have a home that I love coming back to. What do I want to tell you about...Let's see...

For the first time in a really long time, I got to spend a couple of evenings alone with my brother, Seth. I hate discovering that I really didn't know a sibling the way I thought I did, but I am always so grateful to have the chance to get to know them for real. Why didn't I know that Seth was so much like Scotty? Why didn't I know that he has always struggled with being called skinny the same way a girl might struggle with being called fat? Why didn't I know that he can tell you about a dream and not leave out a single detail? Man, it was so fun exercising with him and seeing how his skinny body has transformed. Yep, he showed them! And my mom is right: he is a really good kid.
And I got to see my cousins Charley and Heather Hatch. Man, I love those guys. I hadn't seen them in like six years, yet they have been a big part of Seth and Audrey's life all along. They are still as cool as ever and I am so proud of them.
And as I've said before, I love being with my sister, Sarah. She is a great sister to me and I enjoy her tremendously.
And it is seriously no wonder that Laura has gazillions of boys constantly in love with her. She is soooo cool. I wish I could have her personality.
And Audrey and I went and got our blizzards. Good ol' cookies and cream. (Are they making those things smaller these days? We got jipped. Didn't they know we had been doing a lent kind of thing up till that night?) Thank goodness for Poodley being such a constant in my life. I've adored her since she was a little wispy-haired thing running around in a tutu.
And I love being around Charley. He makes me feel like he loves and respects me, he constantly reminds us all of the joy and hilarity of our childhood, and he loves his wife.
My Dad. I always enjoy my dad. I got to do yard work with him and enjoyed it for the first time in my life. In fact, I would have given a lot to just be able to stay out there bagging leaves with him in his funny hat. I had some interesting conversations with him, too. He's definitely a scriptorian (sp?) so it's really fascinating to hear him talk about the scriptures. I don't agree with some of his ideas, but it's still interesting to listen. I'm thankful for his example and all he has taught me. He always makes me feel like he loves me, too.
And if I was told that I was going to have to spend the rest of my life on an island with only one person, I really would have to flip a coin between my mom and Brian. She is wonderful. Thank you so, so, so much for everything, mom. Someday I hope to do for you what you do for me.

This trip was hard for me in some respects, too... Enjoying my family so much can be a bit of a curse at times. I have found that when I am around my siblings, it's sometimes hard for me to be a mom. I find myself wishing that I could just be a kid again in order to enjoy the company of my family without the demands of being a mom. Do you know what I mean? There were many times when I was longing to just sit around and talk with everyone or go out to dinner or go shopping, but none of those things are very practical now that I have kids. It's hard. I found that on this trip, I realized that I do not always love being a mom. I love and adore my children and would die if I lost any one of them, but it is just not always easy or fun to be a mom. There. I said it.
And yes. I think it is alright to feel this way every now and then, but I think I let it go too far. I have been experiencing a bit of a spiritual low for the past little while, and I'm afraid this trip didn't help. My parents house is a great place to feel spiritual uplift--mainly because of my amazing mom (sorry to brag) --so that wasn't it. It was just that being away from my home led me to let go of my normal rituals of praying and reading my scriptures the way I normally do. Don't get me wrong--There are very few nights when I do not say my prayers, but for the last month, they have been rushed and insincere and unemotional. And why didn't I say my morning prayers when I needed Heavenly Father's help so much? So stupid. So as a result, I've been selfish. Totally selfish. I've been thinking about me, me, me. Woe is me because I have to sacrifice so much. Wah, Wah, Wah.
Good news, though. I'm home. I'm home, and the pity party is over. I'm ready to start over and be a good mom --the kind who counts her blessings every morning and every night, and is constantly mindful of how lucky she is to still have her son, and tries hard not to yell, and prays intently, and reads her scriptures, and enjoys her children, and is not selfish. I'm ready. Bring it on. Starting tomorrow, I am going to be the coolest.

14 comments:

nikki said...

I have been dying to hear how you have been doing. My dad said he saw Brian when you guys were in Vegas, and I was jealous that I couldn't be there to see you both and your cute family. Meghan looks great and happy. It must have been a wonderful wedding. I am also relieved and glad to hear you say all of these things about being a mom. I'm not even a mom yet, and I already feel like I am going to struggle with some of these same feelings of motherhood. It's wonderful, it's a blessing, but it is hard and thankless and we do give up a lot. I think it's ok to feel that way as long as we recognize our role and honor and rely on the Lord. You are amazing. I admire you.

Kacey & Chris said...

Annie,
I think that all the feelings are quite normal. And I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one who feels the same way. I too love my kids soooo much, and can't picture life without them, but on the other hand I would love to have a little while without them. I think that we all just need a break. So I am glad to see I am not a horrid mother and that others feel the same as I do on a weekly, if not daily, basis.

Aaron, Lindsey, and Zander said...

Ann, I love your honesty!! That is such an awesome quality...one I admire a lot in you! (I can't believe how old John and Rachel's kids are)!!!

Miriam said...

Ann, thanks for a down right delightful entry. I absolutely love getting a little glimpse of your life, cause I'm really in love with your family too. The obsession that we had as kids with you guys never went away, and I feel happy to share some of your feelings. I've been thinking/talking about motherhood a lot lately, and I agree with you. Sure! It's hard, and not always fun. I've just begun of course, but I think it holds true no matter where you are. But Em said something recently that I liked. That motherhood is just as much for US than it is for our children when it comes to learning, growing, maturing, coming closer to Christ etc. In the whole big plan, motherhood is like bootcamp. It gives you the a rigorous work out of all those qualities and skills that we'll need for eternity. BUT, it's a lot of fun, and that's what makes it worth it along the way. Your kids are soooo adorable (I love the photo of Camp and Wesley), and motherhood really becomes you--you've got more sauce than Taco Bell!

Heather + Billy + some= more said...

Ann- I think you already are one of the coolest but I gotta tell ya...I couldn't agree more with your post! Loved it.

The Gratteau Family said...

Ann,
I just loved reading this post. I felt like I got to catch up on everyone in your family a little. I read all your recent posts. I especially enjoyed this one, because I feel the same way about my family & my mom. You made me want to move away again! I love living close to them, but I secretly miss living far away and visiting, because it gets to be all about you (and your family). I'm so glad your email address was still current! Keep in touch!
Love, Janelle

campblondie said...

Glad your trip was a success in all respects. Anything that whips you back into shape is good in my opinion. You ARE the coolest!

bakerbabbler said...

Hi Ann! I got to your blog from the comment you left on Janelle's blog. It was fun to see you and your adorable family! Does Sarah have a blog? A couple months ago, I was thinking about her and wishing we'd kept in touch. Will you send me her blog address and/or e-mail address? Thanks!
dkbaker97@sbcglobal.net
Kristin (Squires) Baker

McLeod Clan said...

Annie! I am so glad that the two of you made it to my wedding! It meant the world to me. I only wish that I could have spent more time with you. you're kids are beautiful and it's so crazy to hear you talk about your love for your siblings the way you do. In my mind I think of them as the little guys that used to run around the house when I was there and now when you talk about them it helps me put in perspective really who they have become. IT'S AMAZING!! I know motherhood will be amazing but it scares me every day. I'm excited and nervous and every other emotion that can flow out of ones body.

Mindy said...

Ann it sounds to me like you were getting in touch with you. there are so many parts of you, Ann the mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend and of course the Ann that loves to do what Ann loves to do at any given point in your life? Sometimes it is hard to find a balance between each part of us. I love being a mom too but I so love being Mindy. And I think that is OK as long as it is all balanced. -k- so enough of the psychology talk. Meghan is so beautiful. I was so sad we were not there and you look so beautiful too! I am glad you all had fun and that you were able to reconnect with your family I love those times. Those are times you will cherish forever... at least I do!!!

Jordan & Jodi said...

Ann-I'm so glad we have that chance to start over whenever we want! And the chance to get to know our families all over again and again and again! Times will change when they all have children of their own---then yours will be old enough for the movies, shopping, and talking! I would know...I'm the youngest experiencing that now! I've decided for the past...um...2weeks that I would make new goals and stick to them....ok---so I'll do that today!

Nicole Cave said...

Ok, you are the coolest. I think all of us need a break every now and then. I can promise you read your scriptures and prayer more than I do!! So, you are an example to me of how I should be doing that. There were some really great talks in conference about mothers/fathers. I am sure you heard them as strongly as I did. I think the key to everything in life is to just keep trying...the best that we can, because if we are doing that then we are growing in some way or another. It is when we give up entirely that we are losers. I am sure you needed that valuble time with your family...it is kind of like a drug, but one that you are aloud to be addicted to. I can tell you are a great mom to those three kids of yours!

Jen said...

THANK YOU!!!! I've always wondered if there are ever times you feel like I do because you are SO AMAZING, I was starting to think there must be something wrong with me! I think the most important part is that we recognize those feelings and resolve to do better. Repentance is so wonderful. And I don't think any mother could survive without it!

Heather Bell said...

It's great that you are always trying to improve.that is the most important thing, right?! Glad you had such a great Vegas trip! And how does your moom keep her home so spiritual? Must be cause most of the kids are gone?!=)