Sunday, March 30, 2008
Home Sweet Home
Welp. We're finally home. We had a wonderful time in Vegas, but it is good to be home. I'm so grateful to have a home that I love coming back to. What do I want to tell you about...Let's see...
For the first time in a really long time, I got to spend a couple of evenings alone with my brother, Seth. I hate discovering that I really didn't know a sibling the way I thought I did, but I am always so grateful to have the chance to get to know them for real. Why didn't I know that Seth was so much like Scotty? Why didn't I know that he has always struggled with being called skinny the same way a girl might struggle with being called fat? Why didn't I know that he can tell you about a dream and not leave out a single detail? Man, it was so fun exercising with him and seeing how his skinny body has transformed. Yep, he showed them! And my mom is right: he is a really good kid.
And I got to see my cousins Charley and Heather Hatch. Man, I love those guys. I hadn't seen them in like six years, yet they have been a big part of Seth and Audrey's life all along. They are still as cool as ever and I am so proud of them.
And as I've said before, I love being with my sister, Sarah. She is a great sister to me and I enjoy her tremendously.
And it is seriously no wonder that Laura has gazillions of boys constantly in love with her. She is soooo cool. I wish I could have her personality.
And Audrey and I went and got our blizzards. Good ol' cookies and cream. (Are they making those things smaller these days? We got jipped. Didn't they know we had been doing a lent kind of thing up till that night?) Thank goodness for Poodley being such a constant in my life. I've adored her since she was a little wispy-haired thing running around in a tutu.
And I love being around Charley. He makes me feel like he loves and respects me, he constantly reminds us all of the joy and hilarity of our childhood, and he loves his wife.
My Dad. I always enjoy my dad. I got to do yard work with him and enjoyed it for the first time in my life. In fact, I would have given a lot to just be able to stay out there bagging leaves with him in his funny hat. I had some interesting conversations with him, too. He's definitely a scriptorian (sp?) so it's really fascinating to hear him talk about the scriptures. I don't agree with some of his ideas, but it's still interesting to listen. I'm thankful for his example and all he has taught me. He always makes me feel like he loves me, too.
And if I was told that I was going to have to spend the rest of my life on an island with only one person, I really would have to flip a coin between my mom and Brian. She is wonderful. Thank you so, so, so much for everything, mom. Someday I hope to do for you what you do for me.
This trip was hard for me in some respects, too... Enjoying my family so much can be a bit of a curse at times. I have found that when I am around my siblings, it's sometimes hard for me to be a mom. I find myself wishing that I could just be a kid again in order to enjoy the company of my family without the demands of being a mom. Do you know what I mean? There were many times when I was longing to just sit around and talk with everyone or go out to dinner or go shopping, but none of those things are very practical now that I have kids. It's hard. I found that on this trip, I realized that I do not always love being a mom. I love and adore my children and would die if I lost any one of them, but it is just not always easy or fun to be a mom. There. I said it.
And yes. I think it is alright to feel this way every now and then, but I think I let it go too far. I have been experiencing a bit of a spiritual low for the past little while, and I'm afraid this trip didn't help. My parents house is a great place to feel spiritual uplift--mainly because of my amazing mom (sorry to brag) --so that wasn't it. It was just that being away from my home led me to let go of my normal rituals of praying and reading my scriptures the way I normally do. Don't get me wrong--There are very few nights when I do not say my prayers, but for the last month, they have been rushed and insincere and unemotional. And why didn't I say my morning prayers when I needed Heavenly Father's help so much? So stupid. So as a result, I've been selfish. Totally selfish. I've been thinking about me, me, me. Woe is me because I have to sacrifice so much. Wah, Wah, Wah.
Good news, though. I'm home. I'm home, and the pity party is over. I'm ready to start over and be a good mom --the kind who counts her blessings every morning and every night, and is constantly mindful of how lucky she is to still have her son, and tries hard not to yell, and prays intently, and reads her scriptures, and enjoys her children, and is not selfish. I'm ready. Bring it on. Starting tomorrow, I am going to be the coolest.