Sunday, October 19, 2008

Do I stink?

I mentioned in a previous post how I really want to have a house that smells good. Well, right now our house is for sale and the other day we had a brokers' open house. (No need to worry. We don't NEED to sell our house, but we've lived in it for two years now and so we're (well, more like I) anxious to sell it and build another one.) So anyway, the house was all spic 'n' span and I had lit candles and everything, and I was on my way out to the garage when our realtor and a couple of others got here. They might have been totally taken by the spicy aroma in the air except that I opened the garage door. I tried to squeeze myself and Janey out the door without opening it more than a crack, but it was too late. The stench from the garage came trespassing in. I don't know why the heck our garbage was so dang rank this week, but it was, and I can't help but think the realtors got a whiff. Dang it! After all my hard work... But anyway, that scenario got me thinking about stinking, and thinking about stinking brought to mind:

The girls in my family are exceptionally cool--all except for the fact that we sweat. No, no. Not the normal kind of sweating, like the kind that happens after you've run a few miles, or the kind that happens when you haven't showered in days. The kind that drenches your armpits any time you leave the comfort of your room and your sweats. Oh, my heavens. It has been such a curse my whole life. At one point,my mom even took me to the doctor and I got a prescription for a special deodorant/antiperspirant. I think it was called Certain Dry. You had to take a shower RIGHT before you went to bed, dry thoroughly, and then apply it immediately. And it actually did help significantly if you followed those directions exactly. However, if you let yourself get distracted and say, brush your teeth before applying the deodorant, you were screwed. Not only would your armpits start sweating, but they would start itching like the dickens, too. No joke. So what did I do about it? Well, I survived the best I could--I stuck pantie liners in the armpits of my dresses when I went to dances or was giving a talk or something; I'd run into the bathroom at school and wipe my pits out with toilet paper; I'd wear multiple shirts; I'd wear colors that didn't change color as badly when they were wet....and I just tried to keep my arms down at my sides as much as possible. Like that isn't totally weird. So my whole life I've just had to fumble along trying not to be drenched in sweat. But it's getting better as time goes by--is it possible to wear out your sweat glands? I was even able to sing Once There Was A Snowman today in church without worrying about lifting my arms. (By the way, did you know that it is deodorant mixed with sweat (not just sweat alone) that makes those nasty stains on the armpits of your white shirts? So if you don't wear deodorant, you'll never get stains there. Don't worry. I don't go without deodorant very often. But sometimes, when I've just showered and I'll be wearing a nice white shirt to go out for a few hours, I'll skip on the deodorant and just wear perfume in order to keep the shirt looking good. I can only get away with it now that my pits are drying up.)

And constant sweating might be the biggest problem related to stinking I've ever had except that in college I had a bigger one.
Sarah and I were running errands one day and we were sitting in the car when she said to me, "Ann, you have the worst breath I have ever smelled. It smells like something is rotting in your stomach!" Yeah, THAT hurt. But it didn't hurt because it wounded my pride, it hurt because I was then horrified that I had just kissed Johnny earlier that day and I was going to be seeing him again later that night (despite being broken up. Oh, brother.) So anyway, I cupped my hands around my mouth and blew into them in an effort to smell my breath for myself, but it was to no avail. I couldn't smell a thing. I trusted my sister, though, and took her word for it as we left in a frantic to get me some help. We bought gum, mouth wash--you name it, and we went home and gave my mouth a good deep cleaning, but it just didn't do the job. So finally I decided to call my uncle (who is a doctor) and describe my symptoms to him. He told me that I most likely had a sinus infection--which would have been fine except that you can only kick an infection with antibiotics and time was of the essence. Anyway...to make a long story a little bit shorter--I did go on my date that night, and as unseemly as it is, I did still get a little fooshnickens (remember that work, Meg?). Come to think of it, it is quite remarkable that it wasn't my breath that day that finally broke us up for good--we all know what it's like to kiss someone with bad breath. And I did end up having a sinus infection. Turns out that my sinus infection was also the reason behind the loss of hearing in my right (or maybe my left) ear that I had been experiencing. And that experience taught me a couple of important life lessons: 1) the cupping-your-hands-around-your-mouth-to-check-for-bad-breath trick does NOT work and 2) just because a boy kisses you does not mean you are not totally repulsive.
So despite the fact that I obviously no longer have a sinus infection, I still have a lingering paranoia that I could have bad breath at any time without knowing it.

Enough about stink, though. Camp turned five! Yes, this is the season for birthdays in our family. He is really becoming a neat boy and I've been so excited to see him grow to share some of my passions--as of late: grilled chicken sandwiches, oreo blizzards, and decorating for holidays. And unlike for Danin, I did have a little party for him. I wasn't sure how I was going to pull one off without Becky being here. She's the one who always makes the really cool cake that Camp loves. I stretched myself to my creative limits, though, and made an oreo ice cream cake which I stuck spiders to. We bobbed for apples in the bathtub, played musical chairs and used toilet paper to wrap each other up like mummies. And the boys seemed to have fun, so that's cool.
Jane is as darling as ever except for the occasional "You are TUPID!" And oh, man. There is nothing that warms my heart more than experimenting with mascara on my daughter and being so pleased that she got Brian's eyelash genes and not mine.
Danin is still pretty bald, but there is evidence of some beautiful reddish hair. And she's so enjoyable.
Brian is still keeping himself busy and he has been losing weight. I've been really impressed because he has been eating really healthily for a month or so and he is really looking and feeling great. He and I went to the stake ball last night with another couple from our ward. It was titled Arabian Nights and I assumed we were supposed to dress up. Brian's always told me, though, that 'when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me', and I guess he was right. We were the only ones dressed up--as Arabs, no less. Someone asked us if we were going to be in a skit. Ummm, nope. Oh, well. It felt good to live a little.

16 comments:

Melissa & William said...

Ann, that's funny. I stink too, but I think my variety actually might be more embarrassing. We're talking flatulence so dense and repugnant that it liquifies the air and makes ones' new sweet husband actually wretch from the smell. Props for the Arabian nights getup, too.

Tara said...

Your posts make me laugh. Thanks for starting my day off right.

Anonymous said...

Ann, I love you and your stink...but you forgot to mention the most notable one.
Sarah

Heather and Billy said...

lol to Sarah. Oh Ann, we all love you despite any stink you might have (and that I have never noticed by the way). Pantyliners in the armpits huh? Wow! And you say you aren't creative. Camp's party sounds like tons of fun. Good job!

The White Clan said...

Jaime once told me I had milk breath. I have always hated that. I can't eat cereal after I brush my teeth, or I have severe paranoia!

And I was dying laughing at the sweaty thing....I never knew. You kill me!

Lisa said...

Thanks for ending on that note about being the only ones dressed up - that is hilarious! You guys probably had the most fun though!! Way to be creative about the sweating!

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Rhyan and Kali's blog said...

Ann- Now I get it when you said that you "dressed"up for the stake dinner/dance. When I was on the phone with you I thought you meant you dressed up cocktail style, not knowing what you meant until I say your post. That is great, now you will never forget that night. Take care, love ya, sonya

Miller Family said...

Love this post and love your honesty, it makes your blog so much more interesting. I did enjoy my marathon, every time they handed out Gu I thought of your story.

About the sweating, I have a friend who get botox shots for it and it makes a huge difference, just a thought.

Audge said...

What?! I don't know what you're talking about...

Josh and Nat said...

Hey Ann! Found you.. so glad I did. This is Sista Mills now Natalie. Check us out if you want. thehill-billies.blogspot.com, your kids are adorable.

Amy said...

I always love reading your posts---pure entertainment! But don't worry, I've also tried that presciption deoderant, DrySol. One night I made the terrible mistake of shaving my armpits right before applying that junk....oooo....bad mistake! I think my armpits were on fire! And I always remember trying to fall asleep before the itching got too bad. haha.....i love that you know my pain! AND...I believe that you were the one that taught me to never wear deoderant with white shirts so as to not get yellow pits. So to this day that is my dilemma......sweat or yellow shirt pits....hmmmmm

McLeod Clan said...

Ok Annie you took me back to your sweaty self, Johnny and foo foo in this post. It made me laugh out loud and I loved every minute of it. I love that you put mascara on your baby too because I used to remember your ritual of hopping straight out of the shower and will your towel still on put your mascara on. I always though it was so hilarious!

Jen said...

Jane's eyelashes are so pretty! And i love your funny stories. I've never noticed that you sweat. Your post made me think of the sure and unsure commercials. Do you remember those? The deoderant named Sure?

campblondie said...

I love that you were the only ones dressed up and you totally owned it! Good work.

Lila said...

I almost made a post to answer this but it is so embarrassing that I'll just keep here between you and I and whoever else finds it here at the end. I typically shower every night. I like to sleep cleanand in a clean bed. However, the other day I noticed I wasn't at my freshist (okay not a real word but you know what I mean). So I started to think back and realized it had been 4 days since I showered. Gross I know. Even worse I started to notice it was a trend and I was going 3 days on average without taking a shower. EWE! Usually I do shower everyday but I have been feeling so yucky this pregnancy that I try not to do so much and find that at the end of the day I am so tired I go to bed so early and just skip my shower because I say to myself, "well I didn't go anywhere today," or "well I didn't do anything today. So anyway, when I came to this realization I immeadiately thought back to this post and thought I'd share, you aren't the only stinker around..