Remember that childhood story about me holding that picture of Kim (my childhood best friend who had recently moved across town) while I forced tears out of my eyes and sappy music played in the background? Well I have a little more to say about my friendship with Kim. She was my first (as in chronologically) best friend and therefore affected my life in a similar way as does a first love. You know what I mean? I really liked her and my general contentedness in life depended quite heavily on my relationship and experiences with her. It was so fun to have her as my best friend because not only did we enjoy each other, but we looked very similar as well. We were the same height, had the same color eyes and hair, and had approximately the same build as well. We had people mistake us for one another all the time, and I loved it. I loved it because I thought the world of Kim, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. I wanted to be just like her. The thing was--just as is the case for many sets of "twins"--one twin was the prettier, more popular one, and I was not that twin. Hmmm....this story seems to be derailing....But anyway....I remember that in third grade (or fourth was it?) two new girls-Macayla and Dorothy--moved into our school and a friendship between the two of them and Kim quickly sprouted. It wasn't long before I felt like the old getting tossed out and replaced by the new. Oh, man. I was heart broken. And I remember one time having Macayla tell me that during an overnighter with Kim and Dorothy, Kim had been talking badly about me behind my back. When Kim admitted to it, I seriously felt as if my world were crumbling all around me. I could hardly bear that pain of betrayal. (In all honesty, the trust issues I struggle with today probably did grow out of this one experience.) I've been surprised all my life at the pain I felt as a little girl having her best friend move on to funner, cooler pastures. OK. I have GOT to get to the point. The thing is...starting at that time and continuing throughout my life, I have been a bit heartbroken every time the person(s) whose affection I long for has chosen someone else over me. Most likely we've all been there a time or two--having a boyfriend dump us for someone else, being left out from attentions and invitations, being replaced by Macaylas and Dorothys. And it hurts. It hurts bad. And I don't know how you've dealt with it, but growing up, I didn't deal well. I was defensive. I was cold. I was mean. I did what I could to make my offender aware of my anger. And it was totally counterproductive, obviously. And I knew better. I knew being that way was not going to win me any friends or any boyfriends, but I just couldn't deal any differently.
It's been a long time since I've had to experience those feelings--not that I haven't experienced jealousy in a long time. I experience that all the time--but specifically the feelings that accompany a friendship which is somewhat unbalanced because one person is more dependent on the friendship or relationship than the other is. You know what I mean? Recently in my life I have found myself feeling somewhat desperate to develop a certain kind of friendship with a person who seems to prefer another or others to me. Man, this just sounds so junior high-ish. The good news is--despite the fact that I am experiencing little girl (or even high-school girl) feelings as a 32-year-old lady (I refuse to say woman), I am dealing with them like a big girl! I'm a big girl now! (Diaper commercial, anyone?) I'm not being mean and defensive. I'm not trying to get back at them. I'm not falling apart. Because I've at least matured enough to be OK with the fact that many times I'm not going to be the one who gets invited, and sometimes people won't like me as much as I like them, and sometimes I might feel left a little behind. But it's really OK. That's the way life goes for each of us, and it's OK.
12 comments:
This post is sad. But OH MAN can I relate.
Love you Ann!
Who are they and where do they live? I'll be there tomorrow with my shotgun!
oh Anner B. You have all the love you can handle from your family who adores you!!!!
It's their problem, not yours. Maybe they are intimidated by you? You are such a fun person to be around and talented in so many ways.
Hahaha on the inside I had the same reaction as Sarah. Or at least put dog poo in a brown paper back and light it on fire and put it on their doorstep.
Well, I would die to be your next door neighbor and have constant laughs and entertainment. There ya go, do you feel better now?!=) PS. Good job, big girl!
K, so to start with I say forget them and I would go with the bag of poo. Now here is the mushy part. When I look back at my life long friends that impacted and influenced my life you are one of them for me. Most of my joy and happiness in high school consisted of any sort of entertainment with you. That didn't end at high school either. There have been many times since you married and moved away to where I have thought of you and the advice that you would have given me in certain situations that help me get through my next step in life. I have thanked my Heavenly Father several times in my life for my friendship with you. THE END!!!
no joke i just called you (but you didn't answer) to say almost the same exact thing that sarah did in her comment. haha and that was before i read these comments.
i'm with heather...i would love to live next to you and be your bestie.
audge, seth and i recently played the game where you name a person and you have to describe them with just one word. we each said FUN for you!
Seriously...you are one of the coolest people ever!
I like your thousand word posts. They are why I blog stalk you every once in a while. I LOVE your personality, I love how honest you are, I love how spiritual you can be, and I love how much you enjoy interior design! Hope you remember me - Jill Stephenson, same class as Charley. I now live across the country in Granby, CT. So don't be scared if you see that random location pop up on your hit list. :)
Ann,
Its rather rude of me to admit, but I thought you always were everyone's favorite, the coolest one around, cutest, cleverest, yes, as an adult too....so it makes me feel a little better that you get lonely too... I still can't quite believe its some mistake!
That said, and admitted, I have many times felt these 'little girl' feelings as an adult. And I sort have stopped a long time ago trying to be anyone's best....in almost every way I live my life most people probably don't think its cool, but I have felt really lonely even though I've been true to myself, and especially lately upon moving, and thats when the Heavenly fan club comes in...I honestly pray that I can feel the heavenly fan club's approval, and love and how they perfectly understand me and always give me the benefit of the doubt, and are crazy about my effort though the results can be crumby. You seem to have an earthly and a heavenly fan club, you are well adored, but when all is said and done, we can talk ourselves out of the earthly fan club, even when it comes to family sometimes, but the heavenly fan club is incredibly stable. So here's to the heavenly fan club that adores you inside and out, and will never fail you, and Scotty is one of the ring leaders of this heavenly circle!
Always know if all else fails, I think you are so pretty, so clever, so faithful and true....
:) Love, Emily B.
Choose me please! To quote a line you once told me, "You are the yellow in my rainbow, the oreos in my malt, the free chips at my los hermanos, the water at the end of my run, and the friend and roommate of my dreams." I've never forgotten that....I LOVE YOU!
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